Post Date: July 26, 2026
hello, db!
to preface, i was thinking about posting this on the official so you would know i posted , but i'll leave it up to you to find this specific post since it isn't that important.
this is mainly for me because it's my personal challenge, so i'm throwing it into the void. anyways, let's get into it!
the topic of today is going to be about reciprocation:
today, i received a call from our friend about the coachella. they had mentioned that you now are showing signs that you may not be alright or comfortable with me being in the group if we were to all go together. and although we did talk about it recently with each other, which you stated you think we probably would be fine, i totally understand if your thoughts on it have changed.
so after mentioning this, they hinted that it may not be a good idea for me to be around since they were feeling this from you and they, of course, have to side with you. so, i had agreed that it is fine if i was not included within the planning for coachella, in respect for you.
right after the conversation had ended though, i had a massive ick hit me like a freight train. it wasn't because i couldn't be in the group anymore for the event; especially since i was reluctant to even go in the first place(though it does suck because i was the one that was literally asked to come and to buy tickets), but it was beacuse of what was said after.
they said that they would have loved for me to still come, just with a separate group, and that it sucks that it has to be this way, but that they would want to for sure meet up and stuff.
after that was said, i had to "huh?!" myself. because what do they mean by that. if anything, us interacting at all would be the issue because there is a chance that it ruins the whole event for you or whatever. me being there would NOT be something that they should "love to still come." this gave me the wake-up call about the person i was currently just dealing with.
disclaimer, there's no hate toward them, but i just gotta say it. first off, they lowkey are not the best at reading other people's feelings, and ends up imposing their attachment style onto other people. second, i know for damn sure that i was primarily invited in the first place because they just needed to fill up the airbnb so they can pay less, but whatever. third, in respect for you, they should not be saying that they would "love for me to come" regardless if they even meant it 0.01%. this is the one that really gave me the ick because you are not the one telling me this directly, but they are doing this on your behalf based on THEIR personal assumption that it will be uncomfortable for you (which i get 100%, of course). them booting me out of the group is basically for them, and not actually for your behalf, and that really disgusts me. they are really going to do this to YOU, my DB?! okay, alright.
and this all circles back around to people thinking that they are saving face by saying certain things, but on our walk yesterday, we were just talking about how being direct is awesome and that we are at the age where we should be more direct with each other, so why am i getting this "saving face" bullshit from them. i don't want to hear it from the person that previously was "saving face" in every situation they did not want to be in. as their so-called friend, i don't deserve that! i really don't.
eventually, this connected to one of my biggest personal challenges, which i've talked to you about before: reciprocation. what did i do to reciprocate this type of energy? do i want to reciprocate this type of friendship that they are basically establishing for me? why are all my friendships kind of like this, where regardless of what i do, i am always pushed to the side or not set at any important standard? it really sucks, and previously you would be telling me that i should be "putting more effort" into those relationships then, but i do and try! i may not be extremely celebatory or plan super big things for people, but i know i contribute a lot of little things that i say or do, yet those contributes doesn't seem to not matter enough in the grand scheme of things to get the same reciprocation back.
i am not asking for so much really. i am just asking for those around me to care or to give some considerations to me because to be quite frank, i know i am always taken for granted. i have known this myself for a long time, and every fortune teller or sage say the same thing. i know i have too big of a heart to deserve this type of behavior, especially from those that i keep around me and within my circle.
so, i am relapsing back into the mindset of whether or not i should keep certain people around. to start off, i am heavily comtemplating of dropping every single person that is associated with you in some way because although we may be good, i feel like it may not be good for me to be associated with anyone that you are friends with. it makes our falling out feel a lot worst than it was, and somehow makes me feel like i am in the wrong when i would across oceans for you. and although i know that nothing lasts forever, i put in my all in everything to my capacity when it came to you.
to reiterate, there is nothing against you. it is just the unfortunate byproduct of relationships. that is kind of how things go as you may know.
so, i think starting today, i am going to enact the "fade-away" tactic of just slowing talking less and less to each person that i deem does not really deserve my heart anymore. for those that i give the benefit of doubt to, i may just be direct with them and tell them how i feel to see if the relationship will change.
it honestly is so hard for me to say all of this because i want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but i do not think i have it in me anymore. it just seems to not exist anymore. and i understand that everyone grows up in their own ways -- at their own pace, but i am impatient. the amount of heart i put into those around me and what i hope i can do for them in the future is too heavy for me to even think about anymore. i cannot wait for everyone to learn how to be a bit present and more human at one of the most important ages of our lives: our youth. but then again, there is also a chance that i don't see this out of these people because i don't exist within their present time.
that's all i wanted to say. and i know somehow there's some visitors from all over the internet that have also read this blog. i welcome you all! although, this is all very personal to me, i hope whoever you are can find some type of solace or clarity within your life through what i have to say. i hope this is a perspective that you can lean on since the human experience is all the same, so people learn faster than others. that's how it be.
anyways, i'll catch you another time, db. stay good for me.
Post Date: May 11, 2026
hey, to the one i love!
if you happen to find this page, this will be my letter to you a day after all of it.
before i get started, i wanted to apologize if i did not seem like i might have cried enough that night. you obviously knew that i was trying to be strong for you, but also, i knew if i let go of that strength, i might have made the irrational choice for both of us.
even now, i do not know if i made the right choice. after my mask had fallen today, i had cried so much. so much to the point that i had knocked out for most of the day, and the unfortunate thing was that it was mother’s day.
i just can’t believe that it is over… like you had said, you did not think that night was going to be our last night but it was, as we hugged and embraced each other in each other’s arms. i guess it didn’t hit me because i still have so much hope in us whether or not we were together, but today, i realized that i will be missing the romance we had experienced together as well. it is rare to find two individuals who could be so carefree and happy together. no major problems whatsoever. it truly is a miracle of a relationship, and we mutually decided to let it go. even if we do remain friends, or even if we rekindle our love for each other, it saddens me that we let this past of ours behind us.
it was too soon for sure, and that realization did not hit me until today. the news is and will be one of the worst days of my life. and i wish there was something i could have done to save us.
but as we had spoken that night, i still remain hopeful of what the future holds for us.
i don't want it to be a good bye at all, but a see you later.
the only thing that i wish for you is to be happy: whether it is with me or not.
so for now, i hope you remain focused on your studies so you can be happy when you pass your first step. i hope you continue to stay busy and not think about me. (but if i'm gonna be for real, of course i want you to think about me mwahaha; because for sure, i will be thinking about you :<) during the times that you dpi hope you find what that spark really is. i hope you are relieved of the guilt and suffering that you had put yourself through for my sake.
ugh, i could hope so many things, but right now, all i can free is just pure sadness and crying and ugh it's so painful. i really wish i could told you to stay with me forever, but i think this may be a stepping stone to your personal growth, so if i have to let you go for it, then so be it.
all i can say now is that i love you a lot. i am really going to miss you.
i have not only lost my girlfriend, but my bestfriend that i had been talking to everyday for the past four and a half years, and that makes me really sad.
i don't know anymore. i feel so lost and alone, but i guess this is just the start we both need to take.
i just need to remind you that i love you though. that's why i need to write this letter to you. i need this to throw my feelings out into the ether, regardless if you see this or not.
please stay amazing for me, my love
i heart you the mostest.